Although is not too far along, as I write this, on a sleepless night-September4th/5th. The quiet outside is larger than the tinnitus that constantly serenades me in each ear (since 1995, caused, I clearly remember by the opening amplifier-heavy wham!! from the local band that served as lead-in to Men At Work in a concert in the Middle Eastern restaurant downstairs in Central Square). I can hear the silence over it, and am glad. Beside me, Maria sleeps in level two of the three tier cat tower. I can feel behind me down the hall Stella’s gaze boring through my back. She is curled on a reusable shopping bag that she has commandeered. Petey purrs in the bedroom beside Mark. It is 3:44AM right now. Hopefully you are in dreams at your 3:44AM wherever you are. Good dreams.
How do we choose what next we do in our lives? In our days? Where do we turn to see what will be? Do we? How much of our attention collapses back to what was, or too often, what might have been, if… What can we do with what was or was not other than learn and, standing on, push off to next, to now followed by next based on now. Have you ever tried to count how many choices you make in a day? In an hour? In a minute? It is impossible. Each choice impacts the next one.
Impacts. Impact and intention. I had a conversation with a friend about this today. Your word; your action; your look; your shrug; your smile; your absence of word, response impacted me in this particular way. My intention, you say, was just that. Or, you might say, my intention was not that at all. If the latter. Do I give you room to explain what it was? Do you give me space to try to link up your intention and the impact on me? The concept of stating and discussing impact and intention is laudable. The intent too.
How do we step to the side of our own predisposition and study the disposition of that to whom we are speaking, with whom we may be at odds?
How can we not? There is no silence in our minds nor in the seat of our emotions, in my experience; not ever. But can we still the eddys, baffle the breezes, settle the dust, quiet the winds, swallow the roar, and take that choice and turn it toward trust–given and earned? Oh, that we lived to offer that–trust and the love that firmly-gently seats it.